Dare to Live Read online

  Chapter 26

  Jessie

  Five million stars coated my vision along with pain that was slowly registering in my brain. My eyelids fluttered open then shut as I winced. My entire body felt as if someone had taken a baseball bat and used me for batting practice.

  “Jess,” said a voice I knew well. “Sis.”

  The heaviness of my eyelids prevented me from orienting my vision.

  A small, cold hand clasped my left one.

  I smacked my lips together, trying to conjure up saliva to wet the dryness in my throat. As I did, the slightest movement made me groan. I touched my side as tears burned my eyes.

  Someone tapped on my face. “Jess.”

  I knew that voice. But I swore if Roxanne hit me again, I would scream. I wanted to sleep.

  Another tap to the face. “Jessie.”

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out except a cry of pain.

  “I’ll have the nurse on duty give you some pain medication in a bit,” Roxanne said.

  My bed started moving until I was almost sitting up.

  I blinked several times. Three blurred figures loomed around me. Several seconds passed before I slowly began to register where I was. When I glanced to my right, I lost my breath at how tired and pale my brother looked.

  He studied me. “You scared us.”

  The haze in my brain cleared just enough to find Mack biting his nails at the foot of my bed.

  Roxanne shoved a straw into my mouth. “Drink.”

  I sucked on it, relishing the cold water as it slipped down my sand-dry throat.

  Roxanne held the cup. “No more riding motorcycles.”

  Lowell clutched my hand. “Do you remember what happened?”

  I pushed the cup away as I swallowed the remaining water. “All I remember,” I said with a hoarse voice, “is a car pulling out onto the road. Then I plowed into him before I blacked out.”

  Roxanne fiddled with my IV bag. “You ruptured your spleen and had some internal bleeding. Your body is bruised, and you’re lucky you didn’t break any bones. Blacking out probably saved your life. I’m going to let Gayle, the nurse on duty, know that you’re awake, and see if we can up your pain meds.”

  When she left, Mack took her place beside my bed. He sucked his lip ring into his mouth. “You scared the fuck out of me and Kody.” He grasped my hand and brought it to his mouth then kissed my fingers.

  If it didn’t hurt to move, I would’ve done a double take. Mack had said Kody instead of Maxwell, and he’d included Kody in his statement. I had to be dreaming. Then, as though a dark cloud draped over me, my heart sank. Kody’s worst fear was me getting into an accident. “Where is Kody?” He had to be running as far away from me as he possibly could.

  Mack and Lowell glanced at each other as if they were silently arguing who was going to tell me the bad news.

  Mack lowered my hand. “You need to give Kody time.”

  I laughed through the lump in my throat. Mack, the man who was in love with me, the man who hated Kody, was giving me advice about my boyfriend.

  “I need to get back to the shop. I have to finish work on a motorcycle for a customer who needs his bike for a race he has this weekend.” He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead.

  “Thanks, Mack,” Lowell said.

  “I’ll be back later to pick you up.” Mack’s big body slipped out of the room.

  “I guess I missed a lot while I was out,” I said. “I mean Mack and Kody have become tight.”

  Lowell shook his head. “Nah. Mack and I had a long talk about everything while you were in surgery. He knows that you love Kody, and since Mack loves you, he’s stepping away.”

  I should have been relieved that Mack had finally accepted that he and I would never be a couple, but part of me hurt for him. I couldn’t worry about how he felt. I had my own emotional pain burning my insides. “Tell me where Kody is.” I couldn’t exactly blame Kody if he ran. I’d made his worst nightmare come true. Still, if he loved me like he said he did, then no matter what, he should have been there.

  “Sis, concentrate on getting better.”

  I couldn’t help but let the tears flow. The emotional pain only enhanced the physical soreness that blanketed my body. I’d poured out my feelings to him, and he’d run the minute things had gotten messy.

  “Roxanne told me you’d gone to see Mom’s grave before your meeting with James Robinson,” Lowell said. “Who, by the way, was in the waiting room with all of us while you were in surgery.”

  How sweet that James was worried about me. “Was Kody in the waiting room too?” Please tell me he was. Then the sting might not hurt as much.

  “No. But he was around. Why were you going to see Mom? The way Roxanne made it sound was like you were worried about something.”

  I wiped a tear away, and the minor act had me scrunching up my face from the stabbing needles traveling up my side. “I miss her, and I wanted some quiet time.” I should tell Lowell about my mutated gene, but the color on his face was just returning. Rip the Band-Aid off. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him. He’s here with you. He’s not in a hospital bed because of your accident.

  I sighed, trying not to wince at my physical pain and trying not to get upset that Kody wasn’t standing beside my bed. “I need to tell you something. But I don’t want you to flip out.”

  He stiffened in his chair, wringing his hands together in his lap.

  If I’d thought he was pale before, he was even whiter now.

  “Just say it, Jess.”

  “So you know Grandma and Mom had breast cancer.”

  He sucked in a breath.

  I shook my head vigorously. “It’s not like that. I don’t have breast cancer. I do, however, have the breast cancer gene, the mutated one. I’ve been waiting to tell you until after I had my mammogram, just to be certain that I didn’t have any signs of a mass or a lump because I knew you would ask.”

  He pressed his fingers to his temple. “What does all that mean?” Apprehension weaved through his words.

  “I’m going to have my breasts removed. If I do, the percentage of developing breast cancer is greatly reduced. I don’t want to take any chances.”

  Several creases dented his forehead. “You’re okay with not having breasts?”

  “Not at all. I just don’t want to wake up every day and ask myself if this is the day I find a lump. I’ve struggled with what to do. I’ve spoken to a patient who has been in my shoes. I’ve talked to a genetic counselor, and I’ve even spoken to Mr. Maxwell.”

  He leaned back in his wheelchair. “I get he’s a psychiatrist, but why him?”

  “Part of me wanted to pick his brain on how he helped Mom. I also wanted an unbiased opinion from someone who was far removed from me.”

  Suddenly, anger shot out of his brown eyes. “You didn’t think that I would understand? I’m your brother, for fuck’s sake. I was there when Mom was sick from chemo. I was there when she was on her deathbed.” He raised his voice. “Let’s not forget either that Mr. Maxwell is the dad of your boyfriend. So how can he give you an unbiased opinion?”

  I felt my eyebrows lifting. “So it’s okay for you to stew on things to the point you make yourself sick. You ended up in the damn hospital because you didn’t want to tell me we had no money in our bank account.” Now I was the one to raise my voice, and heaven help me, it hurt like a bitch. I took in a small breath and blinked.

  He gripped the back of his neck. “Does Kody know that you’re going to have your breasts removed?”

  If he was irritated over me sharing my news with Mr. Maxwell, then he was about to go off the handle. I could have lied, but he would’ve known. He always knew when I lied. He’d told me once that I bit my lip when I lied. So I dipped my chin. “He knows I might. He doesn’t know that I made my decision to have it done.”

  Slowly and deliberately, he shook his head. “Whatever happened to family? You tell strangers, but you can’t tell me
.”

  Tears stung my eyes. “I’m so, so sorry, Lowell. I didn’t want you to worry about me like you did with Mom. I didn’t want to put you through that, especially when you ended up in the hospital.” If I could have reached out and hugged him, I would have, but I could barely move. “Please forgive me.”

  He folded his hands in his lap. “What about the cost of surgery?” He studied me, reminding me of how our father had looked when Lowell had accidentally broken a window when he was a kid, playing baseball in the yard with his friends.

  “Do you know how much it’s going to cost to fix that window?” Dad had asked Lowell with his hands in front of him and his eyes piercing.

  I played with my fingers, which I just noticed were bruised. I was such an idiot for not wearing my leather motorcycle gear, including my gloves. Then again, I wasn’t sure the clothing would’ve helped. “I’m going to take out a loan. Please forgive me.”

  He gripped the arms of his wheelchair. “It still hurts to know that you couldn’t tell me.” He let out a loud sigh. “I guess I understand your concern, given that I did end up in the hospital.” Then he jutted out his chin. “From now on, no more holding back information when it comes to our family. Agreed?”

  All the tightness in my muscles loosened. Well, maybe not. My muscles were in shock and probably wouldn’t loosen for weeks. “Agreed.”

  “Also you won’t be taking out a loan,” he said. “I’ve been thinking. It’s time to close the shop. I want to sell all the parts, liquidate what we have, tear down the building, and open up the yard.”

  The shop had been a dream of our dad’s. But I couldn’t help with the business anymore. I had my job, and if I signed that recording contract, I wasn’t sure how my life would change. In the meantime, Lowell and I had to replenish our finances and pay our bills, including the loan on the shop. “Or we could turn the place into a one-bedroom apartment and rent it out.” I’d just thought of that as he was talking.

  His face brightened. “The accident knocked some smarts into you,” he teased. “I love that idea. We can get Mack to rent the place. He’s been staying with his mom. I’m sure he’ll love the idea too.”

  Whether it was Mack or someone else, it was time for Lowell and me to move on. Sure, the shop held memories of our parents, especially our dad. So at least for me, a new beginning would help, and I believed Lowell would benefit from the change as well even though it would be a sad day to not have the shop anymore.

  I waggled my eyebrows. “Or we could rent it to a beautiful girl.”

  He harrumphed. “Don’t get any ideas. Besides, women don’t go for guys in wheelchairs.”

  I wished I had something to throw at him. “Don’t talk like that. You’ll find someone.” Sadness gripped me like a vise. I wanted the world for my brother, but it was hard for him to get out and meet people. But now that Mack was around, he could help Lowell get out more.

  Two beats passed before Lowell said, “So Kody’s okay with you not having breasts, but he can’t bear the thought of you riding a motorcycle.” His tone held no bitterness.

  “When you say it out loud like that, it is kind of weird.” Kody had not even flinched when I’d told him I was considering having my breasts removed. Yet he was nowhere to be found since I’d gotten into my accident. Maybe he wasn’t the right guy for me.

  Lowell rubbed my arm. “I’m behind you on the surgery. I don’t want you to end up like Mom. I would die if I lost you. Also, speaking of the accident, you really need to consider hanging up your motorcycle for a while. The cops said you got lucky.”

  “I wasn’t going fast.” Giving up that freedom of riding wasn’t something I was prepared to do.

  “Fast or not, Jess, think about it. Okay?”

  I knew he was trying to tell me he didn’t want me to end up like him. He’d said that very thing several times over the years as I left the shop on my bike.

  “You realize that I could die just walking across a street,” I said.

  “It’s not that. I don’t want you to end up like me.”

  “I agree.” Kody’s voice slid over my skin—soft, soothing, and safe.

  Lowell and I darted our gazes to the doorway. I briefly closed my eyes, thanking anyone who would listen that he’d recovered from his cold-feet syndrome. He did, however, look as though he’d seen a ghost.

  Not moving from the doorway, he stared at me with doom and gloom pouring off him.

  Lowell took hold of the joystick on his wheelchair. “I’ll go find Roxanne.” He nodded to Kody on his way out.

  Kody continued to stare at me as though he were wrestling with a major army in his head.

  “I’m okay.” I desperately wanted to jump into his arms. That thought made me giggle.

  His handsome face darkened. “You’re laughing? You almost died, and you can laugh about it?”

  “It’s not that.” My voice dropped as I studied the bruises on my hand.

  His footsteps clamored along the floor until he was standing at my side. Then his trembling hand covered mine. “I’m relieved you’re okay.” His voice didn’t give me a warm-and-fuzzy. In fact, I detected a but coming. “Since Mandy’s death, I haven’t been able to risk getting serious with anyone. I shut myself off from allowing any woman to get inside here.” He tapped on his heart. “But when I first saw you in the cafeteria, my knees became weak. You took my breath away until I learned you rode motorcycles. Then I tried like hell to keep my distance. Even more so when Donovan came into the picture. Talk about drudging up my demons. All of that was too much. Yet I still had to have you.”

  I held my breath, my pulse ticking like a bomb getting ready to explode. I wasn’t about to give up something I loved to make Kody happy, or anyone for that matter. I hadn’t changed for my brother, and love or not, I wasn’t about to for Kody. Sure, I wanted a future with him, but not if I couldn’t do the things I loved to do. I wanted to keep riding, to keep feeling the wind at my face, to feel the adrenaline rush every time I got on my Ducati.

  I fixated on our joined hands. “Do you want me? Do you love me like you said you did?”

  His fingers landed under my chin. “You can’t take love back, and I’ll always want you. But…”

  There it was.

  He stepped away, grasping the back of his head. “I thought that I could get past you riding. I’m not sure anymore.”

  My hands twitched. The monitor above my head even gave away my racing heart. “When you love someone, you love them for who they are. I’m not changing for you, Kody. I wouldn’t ask you to do that for me. Relationships are about give and take. They’re about loving and also not loving some of the hobbies your partner has. I know you said you would never ask me to give up riding. I would never ask you to give up playing the guitar.”

  He raised an eyebrow on my last statement.

  I powered on. “I ride because it makes me feel free. Even though I was doing the speed limit, accidents will happen. If not on a motorcycle, then in a car. Or you pick the scenario.”

  His gaze flickered over to the monitor above me. Yeah, my pulse was off the charts, and the flipping pain was starting to become unbearable. Roxanne had left eons ago to get me pain meds. Lowell had probably found her and told her that Kody was in my room. So I would guess she was trying to leave us alone. Nevertheless, I pushed the call button on my bed. As much as I wanted to continue talking to Kody, I had to get some relief before I busted my stitches.

  He sauntered closer to the bed. “I’ll let you rest. Again, I’m relieved that you’ll be okay.”

  My muscles quivered. “That’s it?” My voice rose in pitch. “We’re not going to finish this conversation?” Anger washed away the emotional pain.

  His eyes were steeped in conflicting emotions. “We’ll talk more when you’re feeling better.”

  Roxanne peeked in with a cup in her hand, hesitantly observing us. The door had been open. I imagined she had been right outside, waiting.

  Lowering his head, Ko
dy hurried out as though he didn’t want Roxanne or me to see him break down.

  Tears seeped out, and even though Roxanne was with me, I’d never felt more alone.

  Roxanne handed me the white cup with two pills in it. “These will help you relax.”

  “He’s going to break up with me.” Maybe I should have been the one ending our relationship, particularly if he didn’t support me.

  Roxanne busied herself with my IV. “No, he’s not. He just needs time, Jess. You scared all of us, but with Kody, you drove a knife through his heart, not intentionally or literally of course. The last girl he loved died on a motorcycle. Cut him some slack.”

  I drank some water. “I’m not giving up riding.”

  She gnawed on her red lips. “Instead of thinking about motorcycles and being stubborn, you should be worrying about your breast surgery and your potential recording contract. Do you want a future with Kody? Are you willing to give up some things for him? Think about that. Besides, you won’t be riding for a while. Those stitches and your bruises will take weeks to heal.”

  As she talked, the pain medication started kicking in, and my eyes were getting heavy.

  I had a lot to think about.

  Chapter 27

  Kody

  I wiped water from my face as I stood in front of Mandy’s headstone. The rain hadn’t let up in three days—par for the course with my mood for the last week. My brain had been on overdrive, mulling through my feelings for Jessie. I hadn’t seen her or talked to her since I’d walked out of her hospital room a week ago. I’d thought I wanted to take that chance with her. But being afraid and being petrified were somewhat different in my mind. I had known the consequences of her riding. But since her accident, I’d jumped that hurdle from afraid to petrified. I wasn’t sure anymore if I could jump back. She’d pulled the pin on the grenade, and going forward, it was just a matter of time before the grenade detonated.

  I squatted down. “I’m sorry I don’t have my guitar today,” I said out loud. “I’m here to tell you that I met someone—a woman who reminds me so much of you. She loves to ride motorcycles, she loves music, she’s caring, and just as beautiful as you. I’m in love with her, but I can’t bring myself to get past the feeling that God will take her away from me like he did you.” When I dashed the rain from my eyes, something Mrs. Shear had said hit me.