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  As I laid in bed I sat there thinking of a name that could fit the beautiful little girl.

  Josslyn I thought. It had always been a favorite of mine.

  When Ryan came in later that night to sleep, he and I talked for a while. We talked about our marriage and I told him that I did still love him, but that we would have to take things slowly. I don’t know that it was the answer he was looking for, but I think he knew we were not going to be able to jump right back in where we were before everything happened. I still needed answers. He still needed to tell me that it would never happen again, but I getting better and getting our daughter well enough to come home meant more.

  Plus there was Alex.

  What was I going to do about Alex?

  He hadn’t come by to see me. I thought that was odd. I had been awake for 3 days and he hadn’t even bothered to call.

  Part of me didn’t want to lose him. I loved him too. I wanted to be with him, but I was married to Ryan. This was a mess. But him not coming to see me. That wasn’t okay.

  I pushed the thoughts of Alex away for a moment to talk to Ryan about the name I had chosen for our daughter.

  “What do you think about the name Josslyn?” I asked

  His eyes lit up “I love it Em!” He exclaimed

  “I hoped you would I want you to choose her middle name.”

  “Really?” He asked, excitement lighting his face once more

  I nodded

  “Okay then.” He replied. Pausing and thinking.

  A few moments later he looked up and said “I’ve got it. Elizabeth, it’s my mom’s middle name. Josslyn Elizabeth Alexander.”

  I loved it. A strong name for a strong girl.

  We filled out the paper work to get her birth certificate and I felt like for the first time in weeks everything was going to be okay.

  Chapter 39

  I was wrong.

  My world caved in slightly

  Holly, Alex’s sister who was also the entire reason my daughter was lying in the NICU was pinned for the accident. The police found a partial print on the steering wheel as well as a hair in the driver’s seat. When the club came and took her away, the tried to wipe up, but with only minutes to spare, it wasn’t good enough.

  Of course they were not pinned for her disappearance. No one was. It was believed that Holly got up and ran away. So she was a fugitive.

  Of course, I knew that she would never be caught.

  Alex and the club made the choice and she was killed that night. Not just for what she had done to me and Josslyn, but what she had been doing to Ryan, the drugs the club found out she was stealing when she would visit Alex at the club and the men she had told a bit too much information. I knew though that between Alex and his dad what had happened to me and the baby was the nail in the coffin.

  I wasn’t sad about her though.

  The police came to warn me that she was out and on the loose and asked if I wished to have a police guard at my door. I declined because of course I knew that she wasn’t going to be an issue.

  Dr. Bailey’s report on Josslyn 3 weeks later had me the most upset.

  I had been allowed to hold her. Ryan and I living in a hotel just down the street from the hospital. We were spending every waking moment with our daughter.

  At first it was hard to be even 3 floors away from her. The first few nights I couldn’t sleep, but I knew she was in good hands. The staff in the NICU were amazing.

  It was the parent who decided to take pictures and post the to a tabloid site that shook me up the first time.

  The staff had to remove the parent and ban them from the NICU. I felt badly at first, but when I realized that Katie was using it as a publicity stunt, saying how much she loved Ryan and that she was praying for him and his daughter.

  Leaving me out of that equation of course.

  Ryan was pissed and had to have Lacey issue a statement for us.

  That wasn’t the worst of it.

  It was when Doctor Bailey came in and told us that he expected that Josslyn who was starting to gain weight and would be able to go home at the end of the following month if she continued to put on weight. That was what got me worked up.

  “When children are born this early, we never really know what delays they will have in the future. I have some babies who are perfectly fine. I have other babies who end up with a slight case of asthma that they grow out of. Some babies grow up with learning disabilities, some will never walk. I don’t tell you all of this to scare you, to have you live a life where you worry every day that she might not be perfect, but know that just because we clear her to go home, doesn’t mean the complications of her early birth end.”

  “Right now she is doing well. But I have looked at her chart and I see no reason to worry, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t tell you that there is always room for concern. We cannot predict the future so I need you to be prepared. She might take longer to learn to crawl, she might not be good at math, but you are good parents and you will figure that out I just need to tell you the risk factors of all of these things.”

  I nodded, looking at my baby girl through the plastic of her incubator. The breathing machine was only used during certain times of the day. She was getting stronger, I knew that. She would look at Ryan and me, and try to move her head when one of us was standing away from her and talking. She would be fine. I needed to believe that.

  It didn’t make the fear of the unknown hurt any fucking less.

  I heard from Alex a month after I woke up.

  He came by to see me. I guess his excuse was it was too painful to see me and Ryan back together, and the club was planning to take care of his dad, which was a huge deal. He needed to make sure that no one found out who I was, that could target Ryan or me.

  He didn’t say anything about us not being together, but he looked really sad. He didn’t stay for long.

  Lacey came by later and told me that he was a mess. Outside of all the club shit going on, having to kill his sister and not knowing what was happening with the baby or me, he was a wreck knowing that he had lost me.

  I knew he blamed himself for what happened, if we hadn’t been fighting he felt like I wouldn’t have been in my car. I texted him a few times and told him that she would have found a way to get to me at one point or another. But still. Alex liked to protect people, and he wanted to be the one to keep me safe. Which was why now letting me go back to Ryan was so hard for him

  But that’s how things needed to be. No I wasn’t ready to move back home with Ryan as romantic husband and wife. But when our daughter was ready, I would move back home with Ryan as parents. The rest would have to be dealt with later and Alex would have to accept that.

  I just hated hurting him.

  Chapter 40

  Ryan and I spent every moment with our daughter for the next month and a half. She was doing amazing, still gaining weight and feeding and breathing on her own. The doctor’s gave us the go ahead to take her home at the end of the week and we couldn’t be more excited.

  Ryan and Alex had been talking a lot. They were on civil terms, I am not sure you could say that they were friends again, I don’t think they could ever be friends again and I took the blame for that. Ryan constantly told me it wasn’t my fault, but I knew it was because they both loved me. I wished that I could change that. They had been best friends their whole life and then I came to town and blew it all out of the water.

  The club was planning on a way to take down Seth. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and I knew that Ryan needed to be a part of it. He and Alex were doing this for me and Josslyn, but the rest of the club from what Alex had mentioned hated Seth and had for years and now that Seth knew that Alex’s dad was the one who got the ball rolling on him being locked up the first time, he was after the club too.

  The hard part was knowing how many supporters Seth had gained. It was true that most of his “helpers” left his side the moment Seth was locked up, but that didn’t mean
that the snake of a man didn’t create new ones when he was released. Ryan refused to give him a dime, which was half of the reason Seth sent Holly after me. We found out a few weeks later when Alex finally showed up, that before Holly was killed she said that Seth had approached her at one of her dealer’s homes. He offered her a huge sum of money and Ryan if she was willing to do this “small favor” for him. Of course he had her at the promise of Ryan.

  Ryan told Alex that he wanted to help take his father down. They didn’t really give me too many details, and to be honest I was kind of thankful for that. I knew just enough. They planned to trap him and hand him over to the FBI. It’s not how the club would normally handle someone they didn’t like, but from what Alex mentioned the FBI had enough on him to keep him in prison for good. Ryan was going to help by pretending to be on his dad’s side, offer to bring him the money, getting Seth in a certain place and leave the rest for the authorities. But Ryan said he needed to be there, he needed to see his father’s face when he was arrested. He needed to tell his father he hated him and he was done with him once and for all. I knew that feeling, I had had that moment with my mom needing her to know that I wouldn’t be wishing for her as a mom any more.

  When Ryan and Alex were not planning, we were working on the nursery. We repainted the room and put all the baby’s furniture together, which was a huge feat because Ryan decided to order everything top of the line of course, which meant that it came in a million pieces. The company had a service where they could come and build everything, but Ryan wanted to do it on his own. Whatever his reason behind that was, I wasn’t going to question it.

  I was staying in the guest bedroom. Which really bothered Ryan, I knew he had issues with it. He always got sad each night right before bed. Trying to take every moment we were together and make it last. We would stay up and watch movies, sitting together and he would always grab my hand. It felt very high school. Like the 14 year old boy you have a crush on finally gets the guts to grab your hand. He was always waiting on me hand and foot, offering to get me a drink, to brush my hair. To kiss me goodnight.

  One of these nights I decided to ask him about what had happened with Katie. It was the night before we brought Josslyn home. He told me about his dad, and I knew that Seth had shown up in New York. I didn’t know about Seth’s warning about me though. He told me about the drinks with Katie after and that he knew he had been drugged, but that he wasn’t attracted to her enough to throw his whole life with me away for. We already knew from the beginning when he was filming with her, that he did like her. We had her at our home I don’t know how many times, he told me she took advantage of him and if he had known what he was doing, he wouldn’t have slept with her.

  Being drugged was bad, it took a lot of the guilt off of him, but not all of it. He still slept with her, and that still hurt me. But I decided that holding onto it wasn’t going to help anyone. I told him I forgave him, and that I was willing to make our marriage work. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I wasn’t ready to go back to what we were before, but I knew that I could at some point.

  His eyes met mine “I need you Emmalyn, I can’t not be with you anymore. I am not saying I need you to be 100% mine again, I know that will take time, but I can’t not touch you. I lived 3 weeks thinking that I would never be able to hold you again, that I would never see that smile on your face or hear you say my name. I am not perfect, I screwed a lot of shit up, but I love you are the love of my life. You have given me reason to live you have given me the most amazing baby girl that a man could ask for. I just need you. I never gave up on you, you are worth every single hoop you need me to jump through, you have my heart you own my soul I need you”

  I felt the tears well in my eyes “I need you too” I replied quietly

  He reached over and brushed the pad of his thumb against my cheek then leaned in and gently kissed me.

  He had kissed me good night a thousand times since we came back home but it never felt like this. I could feel the want in him, and the need to show me how much he loved me.

  “I have missed you so fucking much.” He whispered.

  “Me too.” I added

  He reached for me and pulled me onto his lap, deepening our kiss. He leaned back and lifted the hem of my night gown up and over my head, leaving me in a lacy bra and no panties.

  “I missed this.” He groaned kissing me again

  I sighed

  He reached forward and released one of my breasts from the cup of my bra slowly leaning forward, licking my nipple. With his other hand he reached down and started slowly rubbing circles against my clit

  “Ahh” I moaned

  “Still so responsive” he laughed

  I started to grind my hips back and forth against his erection pressing against his gym shorts

  He gripped my hips “tell me you need me to stop baby”

  “No”

  He groaned again and pushed me back by my hips towards his knees

  I reached to his waist band and pulled them down to release his cock. As soon as I wrapped my hand around him he threw his back and let out a snarl sounding groan

  “Shit”

  I smiled

  He reached behind me and grabbed a condom off the side table, he always kept them there.

  He handed me the packet and I opened it with my teeth. The glare in his eyes as he watched me roll the condom down his cock nearly had me ready to explode

  As soon as he entered me, I nearly screamed. It had been a few months but the pleasure was intense.

  “Fuck” he yelled “are you okay” He knew I was, I could hear how good it felt for him too

  “I’m fine” I barely whispered

  He grabbed my hips, but I pushed his hands away. Each time I raised up and slipped back down, he said my name. He would grab my hips and hold me still, kissing my neck

  He pulled me onto the couch, so he could lean over me and began to pump in and out of me faster and faster.

  I couldn’t hold back my screams, it felt too good

  He was saying something, at first I couldn’t hear him, between the slapping sounds of our skin meeting and my own moans, but when I came down from my release a few moments later I heard him perfectly fine

  “I would give up everything to have you back like this every day. You feel so fucking good. I love you so much it hurts.”

  The emotion on his face broke my heart. He was enjoying what he was doing, but it looked like he thought like this might be it.

  “I love you, I’m not going anywhere Ryan

  As soon as I said the words he threw his head back and began pumping in and out faster than before. “Shit I’m going to come” he yelled

  He reached around my leg that was wrapped around his waist and began rubbing my clit, still continuing to enter me

  I came hard, and he followed falling down onto my chest moaning my name.

  “Shit, I really REALLY missed that” he laughed.

  “Me too” I smiled

  Chapter 41

  We brought Josslyn home the next day. It was a little scary at first, she was so tiny. We had been holding her more and more often while she was still in the NICU but having her home and without all the nurses and doctors watching over, it felt a little over whelming.

  Lacy and Jason brought Mace over, they kept the visit brief because they didn’t want to crowd our time. But I was really excited to get some time with Mace while Josslyn was passed back and forth between Lacy and Jason.

  When they went home, the three of us just laid on the couch. Ryan held Josslyn the most, until it was time for her to eat and he would pass her to me. I knew they had a bond, she and I had one as well, but in those 3 weeks when I was still in my coma, I knew that Ryan had fallen in love with her and her him. I didn’t mind.

  We didn’t go anywhere for the next few weeks. Ryan’s mom and dad came over a lot, and I appreciated the help with cleaning. Stella was still Ryan’s maid, but she had been sick for the last 2 weeks and with Joss
still being a bit fragile, she didn’t want to risk it.

  Ryan and I were doing amazing. After that night when we talked and finally made love again, we were in a really good place. I was reminded of all the reason I had fallen in love with him again. He was funny, I had forgotten that over the few months that we were apart. He would make jokes at the oddest times and several times I would wake Josslyn up while she was sleeping in his arms because I laughed so hard.

  He was always smiling now. I missed that about him too. He was happy. He wasn’t trying to win me back, he knew that he had me. One day while we were sitting with Josslyn trying to get her to burp, he reached over and grabbed my left hand. As soon as I gave it to him, I felt him slide my wedding rings back on. I smiled as soon as I saw them. I actually forgot about them with everything going on. Ryan had never taken his off, which I thought was really sweet, I was so relieved to have mine back. To have the symbol that we were really committed to one another and to our family on my hand.

  Alex started coming over again. He didn’t stay for long, usually it was just to update Ryan on their plans and he would hold the baby. She loved him, which was only fitting because I still did too. Not that I wanted to leave Ryan, but I did love Alex. How could I not?

  Josslyn needed a diaper change, and when I stood to do it, Ryan told me he would take care of her. Standing and reaching for the baby he made his way to her nursery talking to her in baby talk about changing her and putting on another pretty dress. I loved when he would talk on her level. He was this big muscled man who completely melted when his daughter was in his arms.

  Alex looked at me and smiled “She looks so much like you Em”

  “I know” I agreed “She’s so amazing, so happy and she hardly wakes up at night. I couldn’t believe the first night she was here I woke up every two hours worried about her. I actually called Doctor Bailey’s on call number and asked if I should wake her up. He laughed and said “don’t you dare.”