Crushed Page 15

  He sat back down

  “I’ll go to the club. He has drug ties, we will find him and take care of him.” I looked at Ryan “I’m sorry Ryan, I am. I am so sorry.”

  Ryan stood up and walked over to me. I stood up. I thought he was going to hit me, but instead he grabbed me and hugged me.

  “I love her so much.” is all I can think to say

  “I know.” He cries

  And I feel like I have my best friend back. In the most fucked up and heartbreaking of circumstances.

  Chapter 36-Ryan

  Two fucking hours.

  That’s how long I sat in that waiting room not knowing if my wife and child were alive or dead

  The two longest fucking hours of my life.

  Dr. Andrews came out. I stood up to greet him

  “Mr. Alexander, take a seat.”

  “Your wife had extensive internal bleeding, she had damage to her liver and we had to remove a portion of it. There was also some significant brain swelling. We went in and relieved some of the pressure, but the rest is up to her. The swelling is the biggest issue, the rest can heal with time. At the moment we have her in a medically induced coma, we will keep her that way until the swelling goes down.”

  I nodded. I just wanted to hold her, to hear her smile and laugh.

  “As for the baby.” He cleared his throat before continuing

  “The baby was only 26 weeks gestation. Not ideal for delivery but viable. She weighed in at 2 pounds on the dot.”

  She?

  “She is in the NICU, you will be able to see her later if you want. For now she is alive, but I have to stress again, this is very early. Someone from the NICU will explain more to you. You will be the only one who can see her. The rest of the family can stand by the nursery window but no one can enter the room.”

  She?

  We had a little girl. Emmalyn and I had a daughter. She’s only 2 pounds. God how small that must be.

  Alex went to deal with the Seth situation and Holly. I knew they were going to kill her. I spent years putting up with Holly and her stalker shit, for Alex. So his father wouldn’t kill her. I didn’t care anymore. Neither did Alex.

  Holly would be dead soon.

  Emmalyn might die too.

  My daughter.

  Me.

  I’d die if they didn’t live.

  Lacey and I walked to the elevator with a Dr. Bailey. He was the NICU specialist that Lacey called in as soon as we spoke to Doctor Andrews. He was taking us up to see the baby.

  I was nervous as hell.

  6 hours ago, I thought that I had lost my wife’s heart forever, and that my best friend was the father of her baby. Now I am a father and my wife and daughter were fighting to survive.

  As soon as we entered the NICU floor I felt it

  Death

  Sadness

  Heartbreak.

  It was thick in the air. You could almost touch it. I can’t explain the feeling, it was just there. This floor was life or death for babies it fucking sucked to know that my child was here.

  The doctor led me to a room, he told me I would have to scrub up, and a nurse took me in where we washed my hands and arms with surgical soap. I was then dressed in scrubs and given a yellow isolation gown. They explained that the babies couldn’t handle germs.

  When we entered the room where the babies were I was nervous.

  Huge machines were connected to most of the incubators. Sad parents were standing around them. Crying and looking exhausted. Hopeful and resigned at the same time.

  I met Dr. Bailey who was standing across the room before a private room. When he saw me, he motioned for me to join him.

  The nurse was still behind me, she explained on the way that my daughter would have a private room to respect our privacy. I hadn’t even thought about the press or another patient seeing me and reporting what was happening.

  The doctor explained that most of the parents were too concerned with their newborns to worry about movie stars, but just in case we would have a private room and the medical staff would keep other people out. The room had a window where Lacey could stand outside, but no one else could stand by.

  Dr. Bailey led me over to the incubator

  That’s when I saw her

  She was so fucking tiny.

  She had a little pink hat on, and a diaper that looked 5 sizes too big.

  She had tubes and wires sticking out all over her body. Her skin was reddish-purple and so thin that I could see the blood vessels underneath She looked so thin. Unlike Mason who was born early, but still had some baby fat. She could fit in my hand. She was that small

  That couldn’t be good.

  Dr. Bailey stood beside me suddenly explaining; “she’s too small to breath, suck and swallow at the same time, so we have to feed her through a vein that will stay in until she learns to do that on her own. She can’t breathe on her own either her respiratory system is immature, so we have machines that will do that for her too. Her heart has what we call patent ductus arterious which we can treat with medications but we think it will be best to go in and fix it surgically. She’s hypertensive as well, which again we are medicating. We are keeping her warm, babies that are born this early have no body fat like a full term baby, so she is unable to regulate her body temperature. So we are keeping her in there until she starts to gain some weight and can do that on her own.”

  I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Dr. Bailey went on

  “I hate to overwhelm you, but I feel like it’s better for you to know all of this information now. She is at risk for several infections. Her immune system obviously is non-existent. It didn’t have time to develop, when babies are in utero they have a system, a sequence in which different parts develop. She was born nearly in the middle of her ‘cooking time’ you could call it, so everything that takes place from 26 weeks on, now has to take place outside, which is hard. She could die Mr. Alexander, I don’t tell you that to scare you, but to prepare you. We are going to work around the clock to take care of her, but you should be here as much as possible. Spend as much time with her as you possibly can, because we have no way of knowing one day to another how she is going to be. She’s strong, she’s a fighter, we see babies come out this early who last minutes, and don’t have the fight she is displaying. She’s a tough baby. Just sit here and talk to her, she can hear you, studies show it helps to hear from their parents.”

  “When can, I um hold her?” I asked

  Dr. Bailey frowned. “Not just yet Ryan.” I had told him to call me Ryan, I figured I would be seeing him enough “She’s really fragile, we are going to schedule her surgery for later this afternoon. Maybe if she starts to improve more you can hold her. In the meantime, if you put these gloves on, you can reach in and touch her.”

  He handed me a pair of purple gloves that I put on right away

  “Now remember, she’s very fragile, her skin is not firm and you could easily cause damage. Just gently rub and talk to her. The most important thing for you to do is be here, take deep breaths. Don’t get upset, I know it is scary, I know her mother is in bad shape and this is all a lot to take in, but she will pick up on the tension in the room and we want her to stay as calm as possible.”

  “Okay.” I replied

  I reached through the tiny little circle arm holes that were on either side of the incubator. It was awkward at first. I was almost scared to touch her. I needed to. I needed her to know she wasn’t alone, that her daddy was here.

  I ran the back of my pointer finger against her little cheek “Hi beautiful girl, I’m your daddy.” I felt the tears running down my cheek “your mommy will be better soon, I know she can’t wait to meet you. I am so happy you are here and you are going to be just fine. Such a brave girl.”

  I went on talking to her. I told her that she would have surgery to fix her heart, and that when she woke up I would still be there.

  It was hard to tune out the sound of the machines, the beeps and pops of electri
c items that were keeping my child alive. They were intimidating.

  The nurse came in and told me that they would be taking her into surgery soon and that they needed to prep her. Meaning they had to switch all her machines to portable ones and get her stable for the move.

  When they wheeled her out of the room, I followed through the private door into the hallway. Lacey was sitting in a chair reading a book.

  “Hey” I said getting her attention

  “Oh my God Ryan, I saw her she’s so fucking small but she’s so beautiful, the nurse told me she’s holding on tight though, so that’s good.”

  I nodded “I need to go see Em.” I knew they said no visitors for the first few hours after she came out, but I felt that enough time had passed, I needed to see her I needed to know she was okay too.

  Lacey nodded “I’ll stay here and text you if they bring the baby back.”

  I gave her a hug and headed to the floor below us which was the ICU.

  Dr. Andrews greeted me, he was just checking her vitals. He told me she was doing well, but was the same. She wouldn’t wake up, but that I was more than welcome to sit and talk to her.

  “Hey baby, I mean Em. Shit, baby. I have had enough of not being able to call you that. I saw our daughter, she’s so beautiful Emmalyn, and she’s so tiny. It’s almost scary. She can’t breathe on her own. They just took her up to surgery, they are going to repair some issues with her valves and her heart. It’s all so much. I don’t know what to do. I need you to get better and wake up and do this with me. She needs you too. I can’t fight for her on my own baby.”

  I laid my head down on the bed by her side holding her hand. I must have fallen asleep because I felt someone shaking my arm gently to wake me up.

  It was Dr. Bailey. He smiled “she did amazing. We repaired the issues, she’s back in her room, but I would give her a little time to settle back down and then you can head down.”

  I shook his hand and thanked him before he headed out

  “Emmalyn, I mean it please get better I need you to do this with me. I mean she doesn’t even have a name.”

  I knew it was selfish, I needed Emmalyn so much more. I needed to see her beautiful blue eyes. They always reminded me the deep ocean, and they always lit up when she was smiling. I needed her to know how sorry I was, I needed her to know everything and know how hard I fought to fix it all. I needed her to hold my hand and help me while our daughter fought for her life. I needed to know that Emmalyn wouldn’t leave me, because I didn’t think I could live in a world without her in it.

  I loved her, I wasted so much time worrying about the shit with my dad and letting other people get in the way, and then there was the whole Katie thing. I fucked up so bad and I wasted moments I’ll never get back with her. She had to wake up HAD to. So I could tell her how much she meant to me, every moment of every day for the rest of our lives.

  Chapter 37- Ryan

  3 weeks had passed. Em was still not awake. Her brain swelling had gone down, the doctor’s said it was up to her now. She would have to make the choice to wake up when her body felt she was ready. They warned me about possible damage, but they wouldn’t know until she woke up. I didn’t worry about that, she would be fine when she woke. She had to be. We needed her.

  Our daughter was doing well. The first week was rough, when they did the surgery, they didn’t have to fully cut her open, they performed a laparoscopic surgery to help her heal faster. Given her tiny body it was best if she could use her energy on other areas. She had some issues. She stopped breathing several times. Her o2 stats went down a lot. The first time it happened I was just getting ready to head home to take a quick shower and grab something to eat, I told her I would be back. As soon as I touched the door knob alarm bells started going off and nurses and Dr. Bailey came running in. Asking me to step outside.

  Lacey grabbed my hand as we watched them working on her, I was trying to be strong, but when your child’s life is hanging in the balance like that, it’s pretty fucking impossible to stay strong.

  The doctor came out and explained what had happened and did what they needed to do to make her better. They were adding another medication and hopefully her lungs would start to get the hang of breathing, it was all new to her.

  3 weeks later I was given the green light to hold her.

  At first I didn’t want to. I was spending 3 hours with the baby, 3 hours with Emmalyn and then back with the baby. The nurses were amazing, I didn’t know if it was my star status (a few asked for autographs and when the baby started feeling better, pictures) but a cot was set up for me in Em’s room. I got to shower there and only had to go home every other day to grab new clothes and grab real food. I hated leaving either one of them. And after the scary moment with the baby a few weeks ago. I stopped telling her that I was leaving and changed it to “I’ll be back”.

  I finally agreed to hold her, and they explained that skin to skin contact was beneficial for her. I took my shirt off and tried it. Worried that she would be cold. The nurses wrapped us both in a light blanket as the tiny baby laid on my chest. She was so small, about the size of 1 and a half of my hands. She was growing. Every day, but holding her for that first time. It was like picking up a small book. I worried I would break her.

  Dr. Bailey said this would be more ideal if Emmalyn could do it, and when she woke up they would have her holding her as well, helping with bonding and all that. It made me miss her so much more.

  I couldn’t put her down after that. I held her as often as I could. There were days when she would start off a little rough. She would have issues with her vitals and the nurses would tell me I couldn’t. One of these mornings a new nurse came in and started moving her wires around to bring her to me. I took my shirt off and she bundled us together. I sat there telling the baby stories about her mom, and what I had done that day. Just talking. Two hours later Dr. Bailey came in and asked me why I was holding her. At first I didn’t understand but he started checking the monitor and comparing her stats to those on his iPad from her earlier. He looked at me and smiled “she had a very rough night last night. We were not going to let her out and until an hour before you came in she wasn’t breathing very well. Looks like time with her daddy has done her well.”

  From then on there wasn’t really any “you can’t hold her right now.”

  She was already a daddy’s girl.

  Em woke up 2 days later. I was in with her and was telling her about the baby finally opening her eyes when she was laying on me when I laughed while telling her a story about the first time I met Emmalyn, it was a brief look, but one that sounded like “I’m here dad and I want her too.”

  Her eyes were blue, just like her mom’s. Piercing beautiful blue.

  My hand was on Emmalyn’s, I was recalling the whole thing and telling her how beautiful our daughter was, when Em opened her eyes and looked at me, smiling slightly. She reached up and pulled her oxygen mask away from her face and tried to talk, but it just came out crackled and sounded painful.

  “Hold on just a second baby.” I ran to the door and called out for someone to come in. A nurse came in and saw that she was awake and paged Ems doctor. Checking her vital signs the nurse was smiling at Em, but Em was looking at me. The nurse told me I should wait to keep talking to her until the doctor had a chance to check her out, we didn’t want to overwhelm her, but she looked pretty fucking fine to me.

  Dr. Smith came in 2 minutes later. He asked Em some really stupid questions like if she knew what year it was, if she knew her name, if she knew who I was. She answered all of them. Then he asked her if she remembered what happened to her. She remembered fighting with Alex and pulling out the driveway, but nothing else. I was a little relieved to know she didn’t remember a truck driven by that crazy bitch Holly smashing into her.

  They took her away for CT scans and a bunch of tests. The Dr. told me they had to make sure everything was working the way that it should. When they wheeled her back in, she was talking
to the doctor and laughing about something.

  I was finally able to hold her hand. She let me. I was a little nervous, knowing that she remembered everything, that she might not want me anywhere near her, and I was super relieved when she looked at me and said “let’s just forget everything that happened. We can talk about it later. I am so glad you are here. So glad Ryan.” I kissed her.

  I told her about the baby, everything that had been happening “she’s a fucking fighter Em, just like you. I mean seriously if you could have seen how small she was 3 weeks ago, she’s not much bigger now, but she looks less… Scary. She’s freaking amazing. I can’t wait for you to see her.” I exclaimed.

  She wasn’t able to get up. Lacey and Jason came to saw her, and brought Mason. Em was weak though, so the doctors wouldn’t let her out of bed for a few days. She was freaking out. She wanted to see the baby. I had a million pictures on my phone that I sent to my mom, but we both agreed she didn’t want her first time seeing her daughter to be from a cell phone pic.

  Chapter 38

  Seeing my daughter for the first time was hard. She was so tiny, she had a small tube in her nose, but she looked better from what Ryan had said.

  I knew I missed a few weeks.

  I hated that.

  Ryan had made choices for her, and clearly they had been the right ones. He was able to hold her, I was not.

  The doctor said where I had just woken up, my muscles could spasm randomly and that it wouldn’t be ideal for me to have a very fragile premature baby in my arms if that were to occur.

  Still I loved to sit in the room and watch Ryan bond with her.

  I myself tired quickly, and although I tried to stay in the room with our daughter for as long as possible. I just couldn’t. I had a nurse wheel me back and asked Ryan to stay with our baby.

  She didn’t have a name.

  I forgot all about that. It wasn’t something I thought too much on when I was pregnant with her. I had so much going on With Ryan, with Alex, I just didn’t have the time. It felt weird choosing one without the opinion of the person who helped to create her.